Remembering Mom

On February 26th, it will be four years since my mother-in-law passed away. Some of you may have had the pleasure of knowing her. The following memoir is in remembrance of a wonderful person who is thought about and missed every day.

October is a month of change. The weather is changing, clocks change and fall back in time, the leaves are changing, perennials are hibernating, and annuals are dying. In October of 2004, I learned of another type of imminent death. After months of side aches, lower back pain, nausea, test after test, and gall bladder surgery it was discovered my mother-in-law was suffering from advanced pancreatic cancer. At the time, she was fifty-five years old. To my detriment I have never been a person okay with death; it frightened me beyond what I could put into words so I knew this experience was going to be difficult.

After becoming a mother the idea of facing death, my own or my child’s, would keep me up some nights. Numerous questions would flood my mind… Would death be painful? Would I be able to say goodbye to the people I love? Would I be able to hold my daughters and tell them not to be scared (even though I was)? Would my daughters forget about me? Who would give them motherly advice? Should it be my child that is facing death, would I be able to provide them with answers to all of their questions and make them feel safe? It wasn’t until my mother-in-law’s diagnosis that someone answered my questions and made me feel safe. My mother-in-law, Judy, talked with me and put my fears at ease.

The changes of autumn soon fell to the cold, white of winter. Time seemed as though it was passing us by more quickly than my family wished for. We attempted to make time stand still on Thanksgiving by reminiscing, laughing, and staying together later than any other year. Oddly, the younger children didn’t seem to appear ornery or in need of pajamas and bedtime. The only way time was made to stand still that day was in the many, many photographs that were taken.

The Holidays were emotional and filled with heavy hearts. There was a moment I found myself sitting on the sofa next to Judy holding her hand. She was often tired and feeling ill from the chemotherapy treatments that had begun and continued. We bundled her up in layers of clothing and covered her with blankets because the treatments left her feeling cold at all times. The house would often be quite warm. Visitors would find comfort in wearing light-weight clothing; otherwise you may find yourself with rosy cheeks and heavy eye lids ready to take a nap. That warmth would continue not only in the form of temperature but in the love that exuded from Judy and the entire family. The few times she was fully alert were precious and it happened so infrequently that I felt lucky to capture one of these moments.

I feel a bit of information important for readers to know is my mother-in-law, Judy, was a very giving woman. She was religious and had faith in herself, her family, and carried a strong faith in God. She saw the good in everyone. She gave of her time not only as a grade school teacher, but as a mentor, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, and a friend.

While holding Judy’s hand I began to cry. She looked at me and squeezed my hand saying, “are you okay?” At first I didn’t think I heard her correctly, was I okay? In response I turned to her and said, “Me? What about you?” With a strong, clear voice and a smile on her face she said she was fine, but didn’t like to see me cry. “Why are you crying?” she asked. I truthfully told her I was scared and angry. Scared for her and scared to think of what life would be like without her. Anger was also behind my tears. Why was this happening to such a wonderful person?

Once again, Judy turned to me putting her arm around my shoulder and said the following: “Don’t be angry, I’m not. Don’t be afraid for me, I’m not afraid. God had a plan for me that started the second I was born. I was put on this earth to carry out his plan and everything I was meant to accomplish is completed. God didn’t give me cancer and he will save me from the pain at the moment he knows I can no longer endure it. My work here is done. I raised my children, I saw all of them get married and I saw all of them have children. I live on in all of them. Don’t be scared or angry, remember me and know I will soon be in the best hands possible, God’s.”

It was at that moment, I was no longer scared to die. It was at that moment I knew those who go before us will greet us in eternity; we will one day be reunited. At that moment I learned I will never be as strong as Judy, only gain strength from her words. Death, fear not, God has a plan for all of us.

Shortly after Christmas that year, my father-in-law Eugene struggled with his health. Diagnosed with the early stages of lung cancer a year or so earlier he opted for minimal treatments and to carry on living his life. He was a retired catholic priest and twenty years Judy’s senior; he was intelligent and he was wise. Obviously a religious man and one with his faith, he knew God had a plan for him as well. I believe part of His plan was preventing my father-in-law from watching his beloved wife suffer. God knew it would be too hard on Eugene, perhaps making him feel helpless, and thought if better that he act as Judy’s angel from above. My father-in-law passed away on January 2, 2005.

Judy never wanted to be a burden on her family and children and knew her worsening condition needed constant care. By early January (two months after her diagnosis) she was basically bed ridden needing help with eating, showering, changing clothes, etc. Judy’s children placed her in the wonderful care of Ramsey Woods. Although a home generally for dementia and Alzheimer patients, Judy’s mother had lived her final years there; the staff came to know Judy and willingly opened their doors for her.

The room provided to Judy was an extension of her home, the warmth of family photos, furniture from home, and indeed the warmth of temperature. Each visit greeted us with the smell of what was on the menu for residents that day and upon entering Judy’s room the blast of heat warmed a person down to their toes. A single mattress stood against the wall in the corner of her room and regardless of the heat held a cold lonely image. It was this mattress that was placed on the floor each night for a family member to sleep on. Someone stayed with Judy each night she spent at Ramsey. She always loved the presence of family. Although the heat of the room always kept us warm, that mattress was the base for many sleepless nights. Closing one’s eyes and falling asleep just meant another day had passed and it was another day closer to having to say goodbye… for now.

Pain medication never seemed to be an option for Judy. She never asked for it nor wanted it when offered. This held true until February 25th, 2005. My husband had to work that night and my sister-in-law needed to go back home to Sheboygan so I offered and was more than happy to spend the evening with Judy until Mark would arrive at 11:30 p.m. While there, the mattress remained upright against the wall; I pulled a chair close to Judy’s bed where I remained most of the evening and night. She had a fever, a painful cough, and trouble breathing. I once again held her hand, this time telling her stories of times gone by. At one point she opened her eyes, looked at me and said, “You’re so nice”. Jokingly I responded “you do know it’s me, right mom.” She chuckled and said yes. Those were the last words she spoke to me.

My husband arrived about 11:20 p.m.; I decided to go home allowing him time to be alone with his mom. At approximately 2:45 a.m. on February 26th, 2005 our telephone rang and my husband spoke the words that were inevitable… “My mom is gone”. The warmth of that room, I’m sure, suddenly grew cold. It wasn’t the temperature that always kept us warm, it was Judy’s heart.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of her. When I’m faced with something I fear or am intimidated by I grasp onto her words: “Don’t be angry, I’m not. Don’t be afraid for me, I’m not afraid. God had a plan for me that started the second I was born.” Judy watches over her family every day. She gives me strength and holds my hand when I need it. She and my father-in-law remind me God will get me through.

Judy is the reason I am a student at Alverno College. She is a 1992 alumna. I miss you Mom Meyers, today and every day.